The most important relationship that I have in my life is a dialog that I launched 20 years ago between me and Love, capital L, Love. That I have continued nearly everyday of my life, over the last 20 years.
And it came in the deepest depression where, I was in that deep, God-sized hole, of just wanting somebody to comfort me. Wanting somebody to save me. Wanting somebody to make me feel safe and make me feel like it was okay.
And I have beautiful people in my life but no one, and I know this for a fact, because I have looked for it.
No one can handle that in me. (laughs)
Because sometimes, people have to sleep. They have to get a sandwich, and they have to go to work.
And I’m like, “Wait! (laughs) “Where are you going?”
Nobody. You have no idea how needy I am.
And this was a period of my life where I was alone. And so, what I did was, sit down in the middle of the night in my slough of despair, and take out a notebook. And this was this great leap of imagination.
What are the words that I’ve always wanted to hear somebody say? Can I say it to myself? And, I started writing those words to me.
I am right here.
I have got you.
I will always have you.
You are precious unto me.
I don’t care if you stay depressed for the entire rest of your life.
I still love you.
I don’t care if you never fix this.
I don’t care if you never get better.
I don’t care if never create another,
I don’t care if you live in a box under a bridge.
I am yours, you are mine.
I have got you.
You are my boo.
I was with you when you were born,
I will be with you until after you die.
I will never leave you.
You are mine, belonging imprint.
Love, ownership, forever.
You can’t tire me out.
You can’t tire me out,
we can do this all night.
You will get tired before I do.
I love you so much.
This is what I’ve always wanted to hear another human being say. And, it’s a little much to ask.
And lots of times, it’s dialogue, you know?
And the dialogue will go like, me be like, hysterical, I don’t know what to do.
It’s all falling apart.
I’ve failed again.
I’ve lost again.
I’m unlovable, I’m untenable, I’m unmanageable.
I’m back at zero.
Help, help, help, help, help.
And Love’s like, always says exactly the same thing. Always begins with, “I’m right here.
“I’m right here, I’m right here.
“I’m right here, I’m with you. I’m not going anywhere, I’ve got you.”
And then, I will say, “What should I do?”
And Love will say, “I don’t know, that’s not my department. I just love you.” And then, I will say, “Tell me how this is going to end.” And Love will say, “I have no access to that information, but I will be with you through it, whatever it is.”
And then, I say, “If you can’t tell me what to do, and you can’t tell me how this is gonna end, what the fuck use are you?”
And Love says, “I am company for you in your darkest hours and I always will be. And that is my use, that’s what I’m here for.”
And then, I can begin to breathe. Begin to breathe.
And I don’t know whether that thing, that voice, is God talking to me, Rayya talking through me, angels on my shoulder, my heightened imagination that creates and it’s own trauma, the thing it needs. I don’t care, it works.
And I’ve learned that by being able to hold myself that way, I can also be, not with anyone, but I can be in the room with almost anyone at this point.
‘Cause I can just be like, “I don’t care if you ever sort this out. You’re a wreck, but I’m right here.” And they’re like, “What do I do?” I’m like, “I don’t know but I’ll be with you. (laughs) “I’ll just be love in the room with you.”
And if they’re like “It doesn’t help”, I’m like, “Well, okay but I’m here. I’ll just sit here.”
The thing that I’ve learned about Love, capital L, Love, about that, over the years, is that Love, real Love, doesn’t need anything in the room to be different than it is. It doesn’t need anything to be different than it is.
It never says, “Here’s what you have to go do now. Here’s how you have to change. Here’s how you have to grow.”
Doesn’t need it, doesn’t need it.
It’s like, “You just keep doin’ this and I’m just right here, I got you.”
And that is how I have survived my life.
Writing is the thing, you know. I think it’s the most direct for me.
It slows the mind down.
Most of us, all of us, have minds that move at just the speed of light, literally, or more. No, I guess nothing’s faster than that.
Thoughts move really, really, really, really fast. So, writing slows it.
So, I can bring my panic to the page and say, “I have this very deliberate question, help.”
And then, Love will say, “I got you, I’m right here.
“It’s okay, it’s gonna be all right.
“It’s gonna be all right even if it’s not.
“Even if it’s not, it’s gonna be all right.”