If I can summarise the one skill I need to focus on training now, it boils down to this: go back to listening to my body.
I am aware that my body signal is currently weak, out of whack, and could be misleading. It will take a while for it to get back into groove. But I will give it time knowing it’s smart and I can tune back in and rely on it again eventually.
I would like to apologise to my body for trying to outsmart it. I ate by conscious and mindful decision instead of letting my body do its thing.
Our bodies are complex systems. A collection of smaller intelligent components where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. It self regulates and we grasp only a limited slice of its full intelligence. One thing for sure is that it’s smarter than your brain, a mere one component.
It is humbling to realise this. We cannot and do not need to control and route everything through our consciousness. Sure there are parts of our biological system we can manipulate and “hack”; threads we can tug and levers we can pull. But I realised it’s good to remind ourselves that what we know is a sliver of the unknown. And our own existence and “internal” system is part of a larger external complex systems — the collective whole. We are one. OK backtracking from this philosophical tangent.
We all know mindless eating is harmful (eating while watching TV, snacking, on the computer, where you’re not aware of the ) but now I can conclude that mindful eating (being too aware of the things you eat — deciding, dictating what, when, and how much to eat) is also not a good strategy.
Present eating is probably how I would describe my strategy now. Being present in the eating experience, with all your senses as a whole, not only the “mind” — a slave of the dopamine.
Looking back, I never did it to look “thin” because I am proud of my gains and guns. Sure aiming for a lower and lower body fat percentage is something in my mind but I think it’s because I want the muscles to become more visible and “dry”.
There’s a deeper need here: to look tough. And this plays into my paraplegia and insecurity. Another post for another time.
And I realised the magnitude of this problem in modern society.
To put things in perspective, I don’t even consume that much of mainstream entertainment content. I don’t pay much attention to fashion industry, pop culture, celebrities, beauty, and fitness world.
On Instagram I follow cheesy accounts posting motivational / self help / business / book quotes, food vlogs. My friends would post about their ordinary lifestyles: 30+, married with kids, none are that much into fitness. OK some fitness related content are there but mostly are men. While on Twitter I follow a bunch of overthinkers who are into philosophy, meta rationalists. I am very mindful of what I consume on social media.
I am very much aware of the notion of “evolving beauty standards”, and would scoff at media’s portrayal and definition of beauty.
But even I gotten this deep into this madness. An adult with relatively robust mental model. A woman sitting at the margin of femininity, deep in “men’s world”.
Perhaps it’s just my natural tendency to get fixated on this goal, attached to a state, and never stopped to define what “enough” means. But I really cannot imagine how vulnerable teens and majority of women out there. Insane.
“Listen to your body“
I used to preach this and live by this. And life was OK, I was in a good place. Then I got sidetracked somehow.
I am glad to almost reach the end of this detour. I know I am a transformed person even though it might seem I just end up right back to where I started: living by those words. The difference is the words have become real wisdom. I have internalised it differently.
But then, don’t you wonder, who would make any “progress” (not going to try to define this here) if we all “listened” to what our bodies want? I still don’t know how to navigate this continuum to be honest. When to “listen” and when to “challenge”.
The best answer I can think of right now is to pay closer attention whether it’s “what the body wants” or “what you think it deserves / should want / do“. Emotional eating is not “listening to your body”. Discerning the root is key.
If you are currently struggling with an eating disorder, unhealthy relationship with food, fighting amenorrhea, binge eating, feeling physically fit but mentally unfit, all of these might seem obvious and you understood all of these things I am saying on an intellectual level but the internal shift doesn’t happen, you’re still trapped in the vicious cycle, stuck in a rut: know that It’s OK.
This is just another small piece of information that you need to finally break through.
Just keep moving down the tunnel towards the light. The shift will happen when it happens. Just keep doing your best. Keep on walking.
Hi there! This is the final part out of 5-part series on my experience with eating disorder and amenorrhea. Hopefully this can help someone out there going through the same experience.
If you relate with any of these or have any question, feel free to hit me up on Twitter. Happy to chat.
- Talking Body: Part I: I Have an Eating Disorder
- Talking Body: Part II: Amenorrhea and Food Obsession
- Talking Body: Part III: What Caused My Amenorrhea and The First Mindset Shift
- Talking Body: Part IV: The Second Mindset Shift and Recovering From Amenorrhea
- Talking Body: Part V: Battling Eating Disorder: Listen to Your Body.
Also published on Medium.
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