Talking Body: Part IV: The Second Mindset Shift and Recovering From Amenorrhea

The second mindset shift happened the last week of February 2020.

Thanks to my attempt to cut down the time I spend on Twitter and Instagram, during that time I started developing attachment to Youtube. Excellent isn’t it?

I was facing a decision that relies on whether or not I want to get married and have children. I am not very into children and having a family but I do think having biological children is the most noble, rewarding, and transformative experience a person can have in life. And if I were to get married, the only valid reason for me right now is purely to have children.

At that point I also ran out of other “important” priorities that could justify procrastinating on addressing my amenorrhea any longer.

So I started going down a mini rabbit hole, watching videos about amenorrhea and the recovery processes.

Recovering from amenorrhea boils down to three things:

• Eat more. Eat often. Eat a lot. You need to gain weight and you might even need to overshoot a “normal BMI” of 22-23. Women need more body fat than men. and our hormones are different. The first shift I had in December definitely helps me keep walking in this direction. I cannot imagine starting this “eating more” attempt while still trapped in the guilt-ridden eating cycle. All in the right timing.
• Stop heavy and intense exercise. Switch to equivalent of light walks and yoga. I am most anxious about this because I really don’t want to lose all the strength and “metabolic assets” I have developed and gained. But all women sharing their experiences of recovering from amenorrhea on Youtube recommended to stop exercising completely to let your body know it is in a safe environment. Because intense exercise triggers production of cortisol.
• Decrease stress. Cortisol rises when you are stressed either mentally (mental fatigue, exhaustion, stress at work. Obsessing about “being fit” is also one source of stress) or physically (exercising, exerting, growing, fasting, pushing to its boundaries)

Since the first shift, I would still occasionally slip back into the old habit of getting anxious, binging, and feeling guilty. But this second shift helps me solidify and build momentum towards repairing my unhealthy relationship with food. It became more real and purposeful.

The past 8 days I have started giving myself the permission to eat more. Loosen up, even indulge. The advice is not to hold back, to eat whenever you are hungry, feed it, go crazy. But to be completely honest, I haven’t been able to fully go all in.

It feels too much like jumping out of a plane without parachute on. I can’t handle that type of uncontrolled actions yet.

So right now I am starting by aiming at hitting 25% more calories / day than my maintenance calories / the amount I have been setting as target for myself.

Now I have legit extra layers of fat on my arms and thighs. I think it’s visible on my cheek. Less cheek bones, more square jaw.

It is not exactly fun to see these changes, but I feel more accepting of it because I know right now my priority is to get my body back to a place where it can have regular period. To get back the healthy balanced hormone.

Yet I still keep this idea of “perhaps I don’t need to gain more weight… let’s start and stick to the same eating and sleeping schedule first, who knows I will get my period back just by doing that…”

Because at the back of my mind, I’m still suspecting it’s the OMAD that’s the culprit here. I don’t think I have undereaten and I don’t think I have overtrained. Stressed and obsessed yes perhaps. Thanks for being too restrictive and anal, heh.

Okay that is my rationalising mind speaking. I know it’s really a combination of all of these and I am fully responsible for all of them.

Current priorities:

• get my period back
• be ok with gaining weight (I never f00kin cared about my looks before 2016, so this is merely a habit to shimmy out of; a temporary pattern I can break out of)
• go back to what a woman’s body look like

So far I feel awesome. I have more mental and physical energy and mobility. I don’t get sluggish. My joints are not stiff. I have less food coma because I don’t feel like binging because I am don’t feel starving. Well, I did have a food coma earlier today but it’s OK, I’ll get back up and try again.

I never expected to feel like this.

Initially I just did my research on how to get fit, concluded a set of rules and formulas to execute (fasting, whole foods, break a sweat every day), then I stuck to it.

It didn’t even cross my mind to loosen things up and experiment with the amount of calories, eating more, SEE how it makes me feel, and adjust. I was so persistent and consistent with the “truth”. I just assumed it’s the be all end all.

All these time I heard about giving your body enough fuel to perform at the gym and thought dude I stuffed my face almost all the time, I definitely am overeating. But apparently I feel better with even more? I am under-overeating??

My plan right now (will stick to it till end of May 2020)

• START WITH sticking to avg of 10% extra cals per day (I think I will reduce the 25% extra that I have done for a full week)
• keep doing the strength training and body weight exercises but by 50%
• NO OMAD
• keep the regular eating schedule…
• keep the regular sleeping schedule…
• listen to my body
• prioritise whole foods than processed food
• evaluate and decide at the end of 3 months. See how it changes my body. Do I lose weight, do I gain fat. How will I feel, will I feel hungry, do I feel satisfied? How’s the energy level? do I feel recovered for strength training?

I also try to remind myself that this is not something I can get done with “once and for all”. I will need to work on this day in and day out. Recovery is life long.

Hi there! This is the fourth part out of 5-part series on my experience with eating disorder and amenorrhea. Hopefully this can help someone out there going through the same experience.

If you relate with any of these or have any question, feel free to hit me up on Twitter. Happy to chat.

• Talking Body: Part I: I Have an Eating Disorder
• Talking Body: Part II: Amenorrhea and Food Obsession
• Talking Body: Part III: What Caused My Amenorrhea and The First Mindset Shift
• Talking Body: Part IV: The Second Mindset Shift and Recovering From Amenorrhea
• Talking Body: Part V: Battling Eating Disorder: Listen to Your Body.

Also published on Medium.