Pain and pleasure, discomfort and danger

I want to talk about pain, pleasure, danger, discomfort, and suffering.

It started when I realised how temporary some painful physical sensations are and how addicted I am to pleasurable experiences.

Because this simple observation started growing heads and legs, we’ll split this into a series of more digestible posts:

• Sensory signals {pain|pleasure} are fleeting.
• Pain: discomfort or danger?
• Should I run or should I lean into it?
• Discomfort breeds growth
• Discomfort, capitalism, creativity, and productivity (aka, Sexy suffering)

Sensory signals {pain|pleasure} are fleeting

Think of the last pain you felt. What caused it? What happened? Can you try and feel the pain again at this moment?

Now think of the last pleasurable moment you had. What was the experience like? Can you relive the experience?

Would you agree that most pleasurable and painful sensations are fleeting? Sure, that said I can imagine more pain that are less fleeting than most pleasure. And speaking qualitatively and without any data, the degree of pain that we can experience is deeper than the degree of pleasure we can experience, physical or mental.

Pain

I have been getting weekly massage sessions at a scoliosis clinic to break down scar tissue and relieve tension on my hip joints. This is what the experience looks like, more or less.

What I noticed is, even though the pain felt intense and quite gripping, they were gone immediately after the therapist stopped grating. I was amazed at how fleeting the sensations were.

Pain is also not always felt that immediately. One time, I dislocated my index finger and in the split second after it happened, I reflexively snapped it back into place. It was not as high-stake as this badass lady below here but trust me when I say it was not painful at all and fortunately I snapped it back 100% into the original place. The pain and swelling only happened 24 hours later.

I also fall and scrape my knees rather frequently. The pain from the wound would be throbbing every once in a while until it fully heals, but it’s mostly nothing but a nuisance. The last time I hurt my knee badly during a travel, I was able to continue travelling for the rest of the week and hide the scraped knees from the people I was travelling with (yes this is weird, I know, but a story for another time).

I have had my fair share of surgeries, and I don’t think any was particularly painful. Recovery was mostly irritating but I would not describe it as painful.

The most memorable pain I have experienced is probably at the dentist (thankfully so). But even that I can barely recall right now. In fact, I can barely replay any sensory discomfort or physical pain on cue. Mental pain, on the other hand, is interestingly more easily accessible.

Note that I’m aware that I’m speaking from a place of relatively limited experience with pain. I can barely imagine, for example, the depth of pain and trauma experienced by people who had suffered and survived a third degree burn. Or anyone with clinical depression and severe mental health issues.

Pleasure

The other side of the coin is, I noticed how fleeting the pleasure of eating also is. Eating is probably the only activity I look forward to the most every day. Every meal is always satisfying, and I constantly anticipate my next meals, happily.

While eating, you get the pleasure of taste and texture, “foodgasm”. You’d crave for more of the fat, salt, and sugar. After eating, you’d feel full and comfortable, if not stuffed. And not long after, the dopamine hit is gone, then drowsiness and bloatedness hit depending on how much sodium you ingested and all the different things going on in your body that day.

But similar to pain, they are so fleeting, and even more so, I’d say. Almost immediately after you finished with the texture bomb, sweetness, or savouriness of that bite, you will move on to the next bite trying to prolong the sensation.

You can also eat yourself to the point of discomfort and 24 hours later you’d likely be hungry again — if not hungrier depending on what you had the previous day.

Speaking of discomfort, let’s talk about the two types of pain: discomfort and danger.

Pain: discomfort or danger?

I first came across this lens in 2019 when I was listening to Amanda Palmer on Tim Ferriss’ show. Specifically this part around 1h 6m mark:

https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxzirRVrylbaiC4PHEh45-9B3jcfM0KMH8?si=ZtgflpYLRHvb2e68

Amanda Palmer: One of the most powerful lessons I have had in the pain department was going through a natural childbirth. … You have to let go of the wheel or you will really suffer. What gets in the way a lot, I think, when women go in to have babies, is that they are told that this will be extremely painful,… But there’s a difference between the kind of pain that is childbirth, and the kind of pain that is someone just sliced your arm open with a razor blade.

One is danger, and your pain is sending you a very, very specific loud message that you are in danger, and you need to take action. The other kind of pain is really more describable as a discomfort, but it’s not danger.

When I was in labor for Ash, I really took onboard the idea that this wasn’t dangerous pain. And because I was able to have a conversation with myself and my body, “Self, you’re not in danger. This is just uncomfortable.” It didn’t really feel like pain. It felt like discomfort. That made me much more able to just sit with it, and deal with it.
But so many women, when they go into the experience of having childbirth, are just frightened to death by people, by doctors, by narrative, by whatever…, that you are going to be in pain, and that pain is bad, and you need to stop this pain — which is why most women will just race to take drugs, and get an epidural, with a negative knock-on effect for both baby and mama.

And what a classic metaphor for our entire society. _”If you’re feeling pain, just stop the pain. Don’t think about why you might be in pain. Don’t think about where it might be coming from, and why you might need to feel it or feel this discomfort. Just fucking get rid of it. We have a handy product for you that we’re willing to sell you at great expense to yourself to just make that pain go away.”_ As you said earlier, that’s never a sustainable option, ever.

The conversation went on to cover other interesting aspects of pain, such as how different genders deal with different pain, but let’s save that for other posts.

Anyway, I included this lens in my round-up of life lessons 5 years ago:

On Pain and Suffering

Understand what we’re calling pain. Pain can be danger or discomfort. Know which type you’re experiencing, then respond and deal with it accordingly. Know when to tell yourself “You’re not in danger. This is just uncomfortable”. Not all pain needs a painkiller.

More pain, more gain. But not all pain can lead to gain. // and this is basically my critique of Jensen Huang’s struggle porn, as I called it

Often, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Pain is when the syringe goes in. Suffering is the anticipation. Suffer when it’s time to suffer. Not before, not after. The more you reject the pain, the more you suffer.

I find these beliefs useful in navigating life’s challenges.

Let’s take a break here and chew on all the platitudes.

In the next post, we will address the elephant in the room: how to discern the pain of discomfort and the pain of danger?

In the meanwhile, I’d love to hear your stories and examples of your experience with pain, pleasure, and discomfort.