it gets better
I’ve heard that phrase used a lot in the context of encouraging people struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, IIRC especially popular in LGBTQ circles.
only recently that phrase resonated with me. I interpreted / realised another angle to it as I find myself at a stage in my life where I was mourning the death of my curiosity, or what I thought it was
let me thought vomit here.
one thing I learned again and again is that nothing is as daunting, unsurmountable, and infinite as I thought it was.
what I also found is that nothing is as interesting, meaningful, and fulfilling as I expected them to stay as.
once I actually do some inventorising, take stock, make explicit
all fleeting, elusive, and only vaguely scary or intimidating.
similarly, nothing is as important, life changing, impactful, fatal, healing, monumental, irreversible
backlogs, goals, bucket list, desires, deadlines, opportunities, setbacks, wins, victories, achievements, pleasures
no matter how atrophied, weak, clueless, lost, nihilistic, sad, numb, tired you feel now, it’s usually not as bad as you think, not that far off from getting back on track / making it right
those made all the difference
it isn’t that things stopped being interesting or fun or recharging.. you just became too tired to be able to appreciate. and your body shuts down that “non essential” part, to survive
your body trying to take care of yourself, to keep you alive
what really happened was that I somehow ran out of mental n physical energy / bandwidth to be curious, to function properly, to appreciate the things that used to make me feel alive
lost the capacity to stay motivated, passionate, interested, energised with life.
felt pointless because no progress or goal I’m trying to make, aside from work.
and that could be ok.
2021 could be the year where i make peace with the fact that I’ll go all in into my full-time job, until i can find other stuff I’m actually interested in. because honestly it’s a good deal… the best deal I can find. I’m not wasting my time on this.
it’s when I realised all these backlogs, TODO, plans that I thought are so precious are not that substantial anyway.
I went from “ZOMG I got all of these things sitting in the backlog, things I’d love to do, experience, sort out, tackle, follow up on, finish, continue, enjoy, read, listen to, process, consume, create, draft, edit, research, explore, watch, know, think about, dabble with, refine, control(??)”. how can I ever find the time and energy to do them all, make my mark in the world. why am I wasting my time on these work crap, working on someone else’s vision? instead of building assets for my future self, playing the long term game”
to “damn, none of them are that interesting or important I have thought really. I have all that I truly need, I have all that I truly want, the rest is noise and elusive chase”
i.e. I have no idea what to do with myself if I’m retired
invent your own hamster wheel
same with procrastination. your body is trying to tell you that it doesn’t actually have the energy, that it can’t keep up, or that it’s not something you truly wants / needs. that it’s not really important. that it needs some rest(?)
take it easy. rest up, recharge, slowly
take a fucking shower. it helps
yeah I’m just too tired and jaded to be curious
today is Saturday, I am still sleep deprived, last night I felt slight headache / heaviness at the back of my head, still there / not refreshed… but I feel a bit more alive mentally, and can enjoy reading (aka curiosity is back)
males idup (not like I wanna die, but rather I lost the aliveness. just living and not “alive” now)
ilang minat (fad, phase, current obsession, lost the spark)
– feature phone
– climbing societal ladder, status game
– earning more
– live somewhere pretty
revolving door of current obsessions. stuff my brain just latched on randomly
these topics I sort of got into during the sabbatical, has lost their appeal
- TFT, knowledge, learning
– bandung trip
– sick / tired / drained from all the famtime i had to endure
– era webinar / personal branding
– rambut yg rontok
– liz gilbert
– seth godin
feeling like I’m leaving money on the table.
there must be easier sillier ways of making the same amount of money
world is large, i am large. opportunities out there… but… with less resentment, and less mental energy / dedication / allocation
but, got nothing better to do anyway
lost all interests, spark
sure working is just fun and games, fleeting thrill.
but I have nothing better to do,
to spend my time on
and I really have support.
i could have it much worse
bad people, weird politics, even more BS tasks
if reputation is what causing me blind crippling, then learn to manage the ego and experience “failing” in the safest possible.
it feels like everything is fucked, but at the end of the day, what’s the worst thing that will happen? lose face?
but at the same time, i am at a point where I have less in line to “lose”. I have to go past the threshold of resentment. all or nothing.
if I accept anything below (redacted), I would be pushing myself down the abyss of resentment again, for working a lot, spending my life energy on it, all in
and… i now have more mental bandwidth to consume twitter. not much of “idgaf” and “i can’t stand twitter” anymore
despite all the stress, overtime, overwhelm, crippling self doubt, and shakey ground, gw nggak kandas kayak Oct Dec lalu.
apa kurang lama? ini kan “baru” geber intens 2 bulan full lah anggep mid Maret till mid April sejak gw balik dr sabbatical itu masih woles kan.
dan wkt itu ketambahan nulis intense rajin tiap hari
is it because I’m doing new non-SA stuff? masa sih? haha. kagak lah. lebih enak cruising / coasting kan
does this mean i can start writing and journaling again?
have i grown back to being intellectually curious and energised again?
is this temporary? wong dalam 2-3 hari gw fluktuasi bgt, antara quit, jalanin all in, merasa hopeless, merasa hopeful.
once i allowed myself to spend those time, without being resentful, then it became better?
i am still not back to the place where i felt so inspired and motivated to write and publish tho. that game was more about the twitter social status game i think. personal branding… building following, audience, authority, thought leadership, to eventually monetise, to create alternative income streams… but that was just another game I bought into, explored, and held onto for a while.
but probably what I’ve grown to be more at peace with / disillusioned since jan is the idea that being salaried and not hustling is not always THE better path. it might be better, have its perks and pros. but I’m more open to the idea that having ft job is also okay. especially when I’m well appreciated, fairly compensated (relative to salaried indonesian). defeated? idk, haha. there is no perfect job kan. apalagi juga gw lagi kehabisan impian
seth, liz, books, music, writing, hustling, nonfiction, creative life, intellectual life
they stopped being interesting / exciting
berasa “I’m closer to my purpose, calling, intersection” but now semi disillusioned again
still ngambang in purpose, not playing any game in particular. ejected from the a majority of games I used to play. and left with just this one, of full time employment. and not even some corporate ladder thing. just fiddling with man-made constructs. of a business, metrics, revenue
all about brand management
am in such a weird place in life now
living in best living condition and quality I can hope for
secure, happy, stable
but as lost as ever
lost all curiosity
vaguely got reminded of what made me dissatisfied with life and unhappy about spending all my time working on SH stuff…. “no time to explore (and develop, exploit) other sides of myself”
i don’t feel human. I don’t feel much like a human being.
to feel. to make sense of things.
oiya kemaren sebelum tidur mendadak ada terpaan perasaan sedih apa gmn gitu. meringkuk, kayak, capek, gak mau lanjut, to deal with the responsibilities and tasks at work whatever.
FT employment. it at least forces me to focus on some area. instead of exploring infinitely. larger chunk of committed
sure it limits my ability (time, mental space) to explore, process, think through, mull over, pursue, random ideas more freely. but i can imagine me being the distracted puppy and drowning in the infinite feed of curiosity seeds and NOT making any substantial progress on any, if I untethered myself from the FTE, jumping into the infinite revolving door of current obsessions
e.g. email. TFT. arts, writing, storytelling, business, selling, visual thinking
but… finishing a thought is nice. and to be overwhelmed by the amount of unfinished projects, interests, questions, thoughts, active running threads, ARE exhausting.
the non essentials
white knuckled my way through life
what does it look like if this were easy?