I don’t want to be a deadweight

was triggered yesterday morning

I find it hard to even replay and describe what happened even though it’s as simple as:

mom asked me if I am going to the gym that morning. she said I can use the other car now if I am planning on going.

in hindsight, she’s essentially telling me that I do not have to wait for my brother’s car to arrive as we usually do because my parents are going to take that car for another errand.

but I immediately took it as a challenge: “why aren’t you ready to go now? cmon, move it“.

coincidentally, I was ready to go that morning so I went straight to the car without having any breakfast, in a performative rush. // I wasn’t planning to have breakfast anyway as I prefer a fasted gym session.

later that day I realised that the reason I was so triggered is I have this deep-seated MO that I don’t want to be the one dragging everyone/anyone behind, because I am unable to walk as fast as most people.

and yes, there was something in the way she asked it in her usual tone of wanting to move fast (she always responds to “hey, good morning“, with “let’s go“), but that was 80% me acting on my trigger.

and there was also a slight vagueness and lack of context in the way she initially communicated her plan of the errand and it took me a while to piece the puzzles together with my morning brain.

but it was the fear of being a deadweight that’s driving my reaction

this is one of the few core “wounds” that I operate in life with [1]

I then linked it to other ways this trigger has showed up in my life

1. I prefer to travel alone. I don’t want to keep up with other people’s pace, and I don’t want other people to have to go at my pace. well, other than the fact that travelling alone is just more convenient and flexible in terms of decisions, compromises, and travelling style

2. I also prefer people go before me on stairs because

   1. 33% I don’t want people watching me as I go up the stairs, the way people would observe me as I move around in a limp and consequently remark “oh poor thing“. I am too self conscious for that.

   2. 33% I don’t want to be the bottleneck of a queue in any traffic — on the road or on a staircase

   3. 33% there is absolutely zero point in guarding me “in case I fell”. believe me, if I did fall, 1) there is nothing anyone with average size and strength could do to prevent any injury that hasn’t happened yet in that split second. and 2) I can’t get back up with the assistance of another person (like, if I can, then I don’t need any crutches bruh). I just need to get back on a flat surface and get back up with the support of my crutches

   4. 1% for other reasons I can’t think of right now

3. I tend to go on my own path when out with a group. I don’t like to follow people around and I don’t like being tagged onto, having people hovering around anxiously. I’d stray off intermittently, before rejoining the group for brief formality. you can also think of it as a “cat walking pattern” rather than a “dog walking pattern”. one extra reason for this is it takes more energy to be walking and chatting at the same time.

1. other triggers I can recall right now

   • feeling that what I’m saying is incoherent, unclear, unreasonable, uninteresting, unimportant. feeling unheard, misunderstood, dismissed

   • people being in “caretaker mode”, being anxious, worried, concerned about my wellbeing, however subtle. this forces me to compensate, signal, and perform the “I’m fine, chill tf out” dance. it’s exhausting