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20200822_1112 - idgaf. == * Note created: [time=Saturday, 22 August 2020 11:12:10 +0700] * ###### tags `sTREaming` `published` * Published to: http://proses.id/idgaf/ ---- realised it's been a while since I've woke up excited -- where I look forward to something I'll be doing that day. head is just filled with short term mundane stuff like *what time I'm about to break the fast, what I'm gonna eat, checking in with my body if I am hungry, whether or not I will be working out, how hard, what time I'm going to start working, what I need to do at work, what should I think / research / write about. sometimes considering if I should go out today, but where and what for*. and doing this damaging thing of looping the mental chatter of being aware of, reminding, and **reinforcing the narrative** of how I feel trapped -- the opportunity costs and my dissatisfactions. am still living an objectively high quality of life but lacking fulfilment and meaning. feeling grateful but semi bored. cruising through life. am healthy by any standards even though my current body composition and physical capacity has shifted visibly and noticeably with me cutting down on the workout intensity and upping my calories intake. I get tiny simple moments of growth and connectedness that I cherish here and there. tiny breakthrough, insights, epiphanies, glimpse of the interesting and vast world out there. but I have no significant project, experience, or activity I look forward to. been feeling like this more intensely since March. which is why I am **not** sure if this is just a temporary condition that I can climb out of involving simpler less disruptive and impulsive decisions / fixes or it's a symptom of something I should look into more seriously. --- feeling burned out, still -- since mid 2017. and historically I've never managed to get out of burnout without taking a complete break from the job. resenting the fact that I felt mostly depleted but still managed to muster the remaining mental and physical energy to show up and produce high quality output for a work where I am not making the most of who I am, instead of building something more everlasting. I'm still very much engaged and can easily get into flow during work -- which complicated things. wish I had some significant justification to propel me off this inertia but all I have are mild nuisance and low key dread. not too good, not too bad. no hell yes, no heck no. I still get to do lots of things that align with my strengths, are still somewhat challenging enough to be interesting and keep me personally invested in doing and giving my best at it. I also get enough feedback loop for me to grow (at least that's what I am telling myself). but I don't feel that much connected with the vision anymore. either I grew disillusioned or what. everything seems [arbitrary and silly](). ID(**on't**)GAF about this bigger system and what it's trying to do. ID(**o**)GAF about my brand and reputation in the system. I get to flex and get some ego boost and payoffs but I am not creating an impact I personally find meaningful. I want to take a longer break at work but the timing is not the best. I don't want to "abandon" the team while we go through a slight crisis. and I just took a 3 weeks break early June. sure I probably would be able to show up in better capacity if I took a break right now, but I feel it's not too bad. things are still very manageable. and short breaks won't probably help much. I find myself benefitting more from taking longer vacations where I can take my time, ease into it, get what I need to get done (`// oh shite, I "get relaxing done"...`). --- and thinking about it now, I have **never** had any trouble quiting. I used to do it without any burden, not much overthinking. always somewhat sure of the decision. nothing to lose. twice out of five times I've switched jobs I don't even have better thing waiting for me. I just quit. --- if I died right now I know I'll regret not spending more time expressing myself more and putting more stuff out there. always overthinking, self censoring. I feel I have too much valuable things I know / have / do that I don't pay forward. I could be making more lives better. constipated af. if I don't change anything in the way I currently operate, I will die with many unfulfilled potential and smaller body of work than I could have left if I started getting serious about spending time on it. I'm optimistic that my best years are yet to come and things can only go uphill from here. but I feel the pent up anxiety of the clock ticking. feeling like I have lots to share but don't know where to start and who will engage. afraid of sharing too much, noisy, not yet clear who I am speaking to / might help, irrelevant stuff, boring stuff. shitpost aversion. overthinking. much overthinking. *"Everybody thinks and overthinks their content. You're trying to figure out what will work instead of realising your individual truth -- which is what will work. Everybody here can put out a ton of content but nobody is because everybody is overthinking it because they're pandering to what works and likes. will it get shared, who cares about me. It's all insecurities and defense. People want truths. Your biggest strength is that you are individual humans."* yep, that's me, trying to outsmart everything, overplan, overthink, intellectual masturbation, trying to to maximise the potential rewards. at the mercy of my own expectations. the desire to control. my self esteem is very much driven by external validation. I do appreciate quality over quantity though. if I could choose, I would choose one or two genuine nods on a substantial piece of work I know is up to my own standards compared to hundreds blips of vanity metrics of likes and engagements. I crave deep engagement from people I like, respect, and admire. all while being conflicted with the shame of wanting to build respect, recognition, reputation. chasing the tiny thrill from getting approval. --- I haven't developed enough hubris to dream of creating a "legacy". I am not comfortable with the idea of being a "content creator" either. I just want to start letting out whatever I have now and let it stack up into some body of work. without strange unnecessary expectation. to just share, put stuff out, with as low of a standard as possible am naturally a bottom up person. need to let things emerge. always dump things on the floor and then sort through, play around, seek for pattern. fear of incoherence. but so what. who cares. hmm. I've always had reservation in sharing things about myself, telling stories. have always been the quiet one. and then convinced this is a flaw I need to fix, I made an effort to learn to share more. looked into storytelling, books on communication skills. I built up shiny pipe and waterways, but have not inspected the tap. --- and it's not even the lack of time that comes from being employed full time. I am privileged with many life situations that provided me with **so** many quality free time. I just waste too much time and stuck in vicious cycle of Resistance. I don't do the things I thought I'd love to do and what's rationally the best thing for future me. instead, I decide to do the easy activities. rationalising that this is what I need, to be kind and compassionate, that I need to prioritise my wellbeing. that I am still moving in the right direction, no matter how slow. and I know if I just keep pushing enough to break the initial inertia and activation energy, I would never regret the result. I have observed in the realm of working out and professional work: the reward of showing up and going pro is well worth it. **but** I've also managed to overtrain and overdo both of those fronts. discipline and consistency are two of my superpowers. if I set myself a goal, I'd put myself on it. I have maintained and built habits executing many obsessive self-commitments -- to the point of blindly going with the motion, only occasionally realised which bits could use some revisits. so I know that dragging myself to work is an unsustainable strategy that will eventually lead me to another burnout. pretty much at that awkward place of trying to navigate that line between breaking the Resistance, exerting, progressive overload, but not to go overboard. --- I've recently come to realise that one thing I could share and help more people with is about working smart and leveling up in career in tech so now I feel some reservation of talking about this personal crisis. that I am struggling in a career decision right now. that I am trying to manage my 4th or 5th burnout in 13 years heh. conflicted.