20200526_1334 - Total Work == * Note created: [time=Tuesday, 26 May 2020 13:34:38 +0700] * ###### tags `sTREaming` `TMI` `archived` [TOC] ---- never knew I am this exhausted, only realised once I let it all go, stop clenching, and surrendered. like the end of a long marathon when you let yourself feel tired ---- and I still check Slack first thing (14m 44s) and then typed up stuff for the pricing configurator thing, 24m something. I do really care and enjoy my work ya. take pride, feel happy to flex and grind slept for frickin 4.5 hours only. 2 big chunks of 2h 16m (from 01:22am) and then 2h 3m, and a bunch of goler+consuming+thinking+living life. haha. NOT fully awake but I'm ok with it. because I am on holiday. I don't /need/ to be productive. pressure is off. not stressed about it. yeah that's it. kalo hari biasa, meski cuma 2-3 jam, tetep ada ekspektasi gw harus prepare something, deliver something, ada pertanggungjawabannya. tp kalo officially off, dan cek slack for fun, then all the extra stuff are bonus points (cue: job, career, vocation, dan apa ya satu lagi?) pake pajama hello kitty itu. scanned the wardrobe and this one sparked joy. will really just let myself unwind. so... selama ini tetep stress ya. gila. meski ya cruising along, tp sebenernya masih stress... tense so many insights so little time became aware of how track track track is a coping mechanism to allow me to keep go go go kayak pas burnout trus staycation di bandung, baru sadar gw bikin tracking todo itu. and this style definitely defines the way I work and design the environment around me, including the systems I set up for others. (also cue that post from michael ashcroft's newsletter. and then this phrase "total work" popped into my head, then it clicked. it made sense) control ------ never realized how tense I was until this vacation it's not always intense, only the past two or three weeks have been very intense, go go go, back to back meetings and everything but even just cruising, being on standby, showing up even just for 2-3 hours everyday is apparently still exhausting, low key tense I can viscerally felt myself relaxing by the time I shut off the computer last night and officially entered the vacation I close chrome tabs for wortk those two windows so free time doesn't mean getting the into that mode deadline gives you wings. even though it means that I've been squeezing 2 weeks or 3 weeks worth of work to make sure I can leave cleanly you have time to read you have time to ride everyday but having 6 hours before work apparently doesn't get you into that mode it doesn't mean that I cannot produce something or relax but it's just a different level of depth, different experience so tightly wound, never realized that until hi able to let go I let myself go, surrender even time tracking. maybe that's a mechanism I developed to make sure I keep on go go go. to keep up the momentum. I don't waste any time. but if I just live life for the next 3 weeks, excluding next Wednesday, and a couple of other engagements this Friday next Tuesday lol 10 probably time tracking I'd Life starts tracking it's not relevant should I drop this whole quantified obsessive tracking for the next 3 weeks I only need it to the extent of, to keep me going I have spare time but I wasn't relaxed I find myself worrying less. even though I get only four and a half hour of sleep so far but it doesn't make me feel as worried as I usually would have that letter that somebody sent to Hawthorne, the one that Liz Gilbert mentioned in her interview in the salon had a moment last night, closed the laptop, stepped into the shower. it was pretty symbolic. it just happened naturally. but it was as if I dropped all the baggage, and break out of the cocoon. rebirth. lol wrote this on DSS "WOOOHOOO libuuurr, hahaha. baru berasa ternyata gw semangat dan merindukan ini juga ya..." week of no shoulds, just constant check in to scan the needs -- considering stop tracking the details on DSS. this is probably like me dropping the chronological todos (sept 2019. wasnt something intentional, ireland just happened). it seemed critical to keep doing so I can function and perform as I'd like to, and unimaginable to drop. but things are ok now. I adjusted. and things are still afloat. and perhaps the role did indeed evolve for me to be able to make that change. but sometimes you just auto renew stuff without questioning if it still serves your situation now. still gets you where you want to go. and that's ok, it's normal, there's nothing wrong with that. you can't function if you need to make conscious decision on and revisit little habits and existing running "legacy" systems another major shift / turning point was hands-off SA work. learning to delegate. like my team runs on its own now thanks to the first shift, and I see they are able to take over and run with the unified offering project I don't think I am within the micromanaging realm, but I do like my systems and do my best to set those up and enforce. but pretty practical and cool with letting people improvising on the how, as long as the what and why are clear. give trust, expect high, and trust trust trust I love seeing how independent and off the ground they are, a life on its own. -- ok anyway, let's try this week to not even track by the details. drop the details. just track the big Rocks: sleep hours, eat intuitively, just move, no need to count or track, no need to time your journaling time, reading books, the routine, the SH work (oh I'm essentially time budgeting for SH. making sure I don't "overgive" my precious time to SH (very transactional now towards them, haven't made peace with the idea that I can't deny I do enjoy and care about the work, so resenting it only hurt me and not help me in any way? and what's so wrong / bad if I keep this day job and have no thriving side hustle, the FOUP?), I do spend enough time on production, and cap the "junk time" of mindless socmed. perhaps that's my original intention and now it has evolved and taken life on its own) -------- May 6th (!!) lagi lelah. berasa capek, need to unwind. ya masuk akal, wong sabtu minggu gw geber SH juga (kalo gw pake utk nulis n baca, berasa recharged atau drained ya btw? kayaknya recharged sih). trus kemaren malah melempem sama suzanne. not in vain but feeling quite dumb / defeated capek kena low key anxiety gitu kali ya tracking. keeping up. performing latent exhaustion hustle drain performance fatigue -- perhaps will unwind a bit today. take it easy a bit. tetep mesti online jam 2, jam 5, dan jam 10 sih. tp in between gak usah terlalu banyak prep lah. can manage it JIT. just need to remember "do less, tell more". share less. less async, more sync. or to take it to more extreme: only do sync work. or.... 80% sync, 20 async. from what's previously 90% async, 10% sync this is an interesting shift to write about btw. // ended up spending 10.5 hours this day, lol. gak terlalu realistis ya to take breaks in between sessions. I kept going ------- May 14th Physically and mentally bloated. Emotionally and spiritually empty. Not complaining, just reporting. well. more like irritable emotionally, and okay spiritually. udah ngetik begitu, pingin post ke IG atau twitter tp lalu batalin, takut nggak on brand dan diajak chat. la ya males ngejelasin tapi juga pingin ngomong gt aja. aneh gak sih? fatigue. exhaustion sleep deprived aja lah basically anxious juga (karena berasa losing my strength and fitness. and gaining the fat) ------- June - still feeling exhausted and restless despite being off work - ya karena lalu ngejar target lainnya, this building asset and pbranding thing, wwkwkw - related to hustle culture... which then relates to the learning anxiety. hit by total work again. tired, under pressure to publish. weighed down by the "shoulds" when anxious, in a loop before bed, telling myself "you've done enough" helps [[total work]] found myself app-switching, ebook, task managers, socmed app, scouring for ways to maximise and squeeze "more" into my waking hours.... lethargy begah, bloated, stuffed, exhausted from all the binging and digesting, physically and mentally (being led to believe you're not doing enough, the right way (FOMO?)) are you learning, reading the right way? expectations you need to read, hear, try, do a bunch of times to internalise stuff it's normal to not retain everything you read use it or lose it total work, optimisation, efficiency bitten by the total work and hustle culture the hive mind is real so, you can tweet about productivity if you have the legit work, doing it as a side thing and can't sell it nah, it depends on your audience. who are you speaking to? -- TF - adam grant: people who want to boost their productivity - being productive is not the right goal. to spend more time on meaningful activities is - taking better notes is not the right goal. thinking better is - they are means to an end -- unpopular opinion: I didn't take notes in college, I read a lot but never read actively till recently. learning should be fun. know how you learn and don't worry too much hustle culture. learn in public but not monetise everything.... i need something that incentivise deeper reflection, not hasty thinking and publishing, half assed, half baked, exploratory. determine if I want to think or communicate ------- disillusioned we know but we don't do we preach but we don't practice we act but we don't believe -- race to spit out observations distilled in short insightful cryptic words twitter. Naval's reply section. Thibaut's also -- youtube comments parroting back the things people know but haven't internalised (or have, idk). programming and programmed. echo chamber of virtue signaling, selling sawdust, monetising, branding, circle jerking. the learning porn, intellectual masturbation, doing more, getting instead of letting, choosing what seems complex over the simple (proven to work?). one -upping. like what I am doing right now e.g. https://twitter.com/rroudt/status/1268875030139678721 -- wow sejak May 16th - Getting annoyed by aphorism platitude twitter and productivity courses gurus - Obsessing over note-taking apps is the new "getting name card and designing logos for my business". Busywork. Tools for Thought. KnowTech. Bycicle for the mind. Annotation. Mapping. Strategising. - Not sure if you're distracted by shiny object busywork or doing real work? Suspecting you're going obsessing over note taking apps, themes and templates? Ask: does this help me express myself better ? What am I trying to do here? - Figma is the real tools for thought. Roam as well sih. the rest are just busywork and circle-jerk ------- lethargic, apparently i got the right word. fatigued, sluggish. spidey sense tingling alrighty -- mungkin aku cuma sedih twitter sepi, nggak viral, padahal tweeting out good stuff dan kurang tidur dan kebanyakan makan..begah mental fisik. jiwa raga dan libur tinggal seminggu lagi padahal duit tiket balik 100% lho.... gila beruntung bgt dan kepikiran rambut yg menipis dan msh amenorrhea dan stress response yeah, dumping helps what, when, why, purpose(?) dan endut -- my global brain is hurting me doomscrolling -- padahal kalo nggak ada yg respon, justru kesempatan utk lebih bawel kan? just shitpost and say stuff i want to say. what I'm getting into, excited about, wondering out loud -- https://salman.io/posts/why-bother/ the pain of not sharing.... hmm... that john carmack video from yday the desire to create that original intellectual work -- if you're sick and tired. just do something. anything. take a shower. open up your notes, scan them, rearrange them. dump stuff into them. sleep. read. lie still. don't worry about producing anything. don't worry about results. let the momentum roll you on. permission to seek, without expecting to find revisiting your notes always good thing, it matters less whether you made it nicer or not it might get you somewhere, feeling better. just do something. anything small. the other side of that: don't start. if you knew you won't be able to get off the couch, don't put your ass on the couch with the phone on your hand. what's the end game here? so what if I got a newsletter, an audience. it's still not a source of income. just a source of ego boost. validation what is the world lacking now and I can provide? I don't think they lack witty insights, deep words of wisdom, and great takes. haus validasi, eyeball, interaksi(?). tapi kalo ada yg chat gw males bales, lol. apa2an sih. iya nih. tweet gw di-like snarfed, dan jadi berasa sedikit terhibur. weird. kok gw fragile n needy amat hari ini dan dikejar2 backlog (DSS, timeit, to-read list, to-write list, to-remember list, to-share list, haha) capek judging every moment --- - the public evernote notebook doesn't generate any noise, lol - am I just note taking publicly? - thinking out loud? - littering the digital space? - learning in public? - want to share but don't want to get lumped into the "productivity guru" / note-taking circle-jerk crowd. YOU FEEL ME? - got lots of insights on workflow, thinking well, writing well, learning well // cue "optimiser mania" - how do you shut that inner critic up? always judging - https://twitter.com/anthilemoon/status/1261024529935224832 - depends on what you're sharing I guess?